This One's for the Ladies!

***Shout out to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler for being my spirit animals/female role models***

This week I am writing about something personal and not relating to Cambodia as much, but it’s super important! Warning clichés will be written in this post and shit will get real. Like the title says, this one’s for the ladies, especially the ladies who are “stuck” in crippling unhealthy relationships or the ones who are “pathetically single”. Just in time for International Women's day this week, I hope this post is empowering. This is a post to ensure you that it will not get better- looking at the girl who’s so obviously settling and we all know you know it deep down too, and to happily inform the girl who feels sadly single that it will get much better, if you let it!

So I’m a child of young divorce, and I have my fair share (sarcasm, I’m a mess) of daddy issues, which might explain my huge lapse of judgment and dating a pretty horrible human for four years of my life. You learn from your surroundings, and I didn’t have my dad constantly in my life to look up to, and instead I had a drunkin, very opinionated step dad who corrupted my all female family- basically overnight. With a gift of a shiny new purple Gameboy, at the age of eight years old, I was supposed to just adapt to this new “parental figure”. Well saying that it was weird for my sisters and I is an understatement. My mom was a fantastic, hard working, single mom, and we had adjusted to this new life of Kelsey, my older sister of eleven, looking after my little sister, Kristin and I after school while my mom worked in Dallas. It wasn’t easy; lots of times we would forget our apartment key and begrudgingly knock on the creepy old neighbors door and impatiently await our mom’s return. But hey, we were all getting by. So now my mom’s getting remarried to a man my sisters and I barely even met two times, and the big happy family is moving into a new house in a nicer neighborhood. It didn’t take long for my step dad’s true colors to show, and the fights started. At first, like my sisters, I kept my head down and stayed quiet, avoiding the fire. Well if you know me at all, you know I’m very protective and twice as stubborn. As soon as he directed his cursing at my mother and insulted her, eight year old me was in the middle of it, screaming at him “don’t talk to my mom like that!” No eight year old should have to feel responsible to step in and save her mother from a terrible step monster. Not to mention, my mother was hugely pregnant at this time. This is all before I realized that the strange smell that floated around my step dad was alcohol, and what I was experiencing was an mean, hurtful drunk. This never got better. I would continuously get in the middle and end up getting sent to my room for “back-talking” and “not respecting” my new dad… my mom let that happen for years, when all I was trying to do was protect my family. But he was right after all; I had no respect for him. Fast-forward to middle school days when my step dad referred to my sisters, myself, and all of our friends as “babes”. Once I remember my friend was “lightly tapped” on her butt from him, just a normal Friday evening at the Ryan’s. My mom would obey his unreasonable cries “Darla, come in here! Make me some food!” and so on. There were nights it got so bad I played mommy and packed all of our bags, and kept my baby brother calm while my mom cried. I’d convince her to go to a hotel for the night. It would all “blow over” and soon all was forgiven and we’d move back into the house. This happened way too often.

My beautiful strong mom, me, and baby Kristin.

GLAM. Kristin and I post dance rectial, all the talent.

Me shortly after moving into our new house, sassin like always.

Left to right to bottom: Me killin the boardshort game and perm, Kelsey, Kristin, and Tyler.

Left to right: Jr, me (always goofy), Tyler, Kristin, Kelsey.

A prerry recent picure of all the siblings together.

Left to right: Jr, my stunning mom, Kristin, and me earlier this year.

Junior year rolled around and I start dating this guy a year older, I heard bad things about him from the start, but I believed he was a good guy- deep down. After the first year of dating, I was still in high school, and the first rumor circulated about this boyfriend cheating on me, and I was a wreck. A week later, like my mom, I forgave him. That summer my mom gave my step dad the boot, and he voluntarily went to rehab. My mom reassured us that everything would get better. I remember finally letting out the breath that felt like I’ve been holding since I was eight, beaming with pride in mom for being so strong. Then one afternoon she called Kristin and I together to tell us “He has changed! Really! It’s amazing! He’ll be in AA and promises to stop the drinking, he loves you all so much.” She went on to explain she blamed herself for much of his actions, she had been passive which allowed it to even happen. She then said he would soon be moving back into the house, it was essential to his recovery. I remember this ear splitting scream bubbling out of me, uncontrollable with anger and hurt from betrayal. After high school graduation, I was so happy to get out of my rocky family home, and start a new life in LA! This is the year my mom decided JR ( my step dad) hadn’t changed, and the drinking had started again. So her and my brother moved out, and the divorce was pending. I remember feeling little butterflies of hope, thinking my baby brother might have a better childhood from here on out.

My first year of college was really difficult. I was so dependent on my boyfriend for my happiness, yet he couldn’t pick up the phone. I was a mess. I was so depressed, and then I would feel overwhelmingly guilty for not enjoying my amazing college experience in California. Let me give you more insight on my boyfriend. This guy barely worked the whole time we dated; I’ve steadily held a job since I was thirteen years old. Most of the time he didn’t have a functioning car. Sometimes he would say he had a job, and I would go with friends to surprise him at work, and no one knew of a so and so who worked there. Once I was in LA I was insanely busy with a full workload of classes in fashion design and studied relentlessly, I worked part time too. While low life boyfriend wasn’t attending college or working, and most of the time didn’t even have a working phone. He would love to make me feel guilty for having things like a car, a phone with service, and the opportunity to attend college- throwing it all in my face that he wasn’t so lucky, and his life was hard… yet I worked my ass off to get where I am, he barely tried. Yet he was the one who was too busy to talk, or even text back. I spent more nights crying and constantly checking my phone and Facebook. He even blocked me from seeing his feed on Facebook. All of my friends would say he wasn’t worth it, please you deserve better. But why would I deserve better, my mom deserved better but she is still with my stepdad? (By this point she’s moved back in to the house for “my brother’s sake” and is still there today). So I never listened to anyone. I convinced myself that it was my fault he was awful to me, because leaving and making us do long distance wasn’t fair for him. Two valentine’s days in a row flowers were mysteriously never delivered after being “purchased”. I flew back countless times, once he still wouldn’t even see me, or answer my calls when I worked all-nighters to complete homework beforehand so I could go to Texas for the weekend. Rumors of cheating happen again. Everyone was tired of hearing me call crying, and people stopped feeling bad for me. I let someone ruin my happiness and what should have been two of the best years of my life away at FIDM. That alone should have been enough. So to the girl who is relating to what I’ve written thus far THESE ARE HUGE RED FLAGS.

I graduated from FIDM and was moving back to Texas to attend UNT to get a second degree, and sadly to be closer to my loser boyfriend (what an idiot). I moved in with my best friend and my sister, and only a town away from my boyfriend- yay! Surely life would get better; this would fix all my problems. Oh, it only got way worse. Being around my friends again and slowly feeling happy and like myself again, I didn’t want to constantly be around my boyfriend anymore. I even attempted to break up with him, but failed. Soon money started going missing… a lot of it. I was working as server and kept cash tips in purses in my closet, which I shared with Kristin. At the beginning of each month I would save rent money so I wouldn’t have to worry about making it on time. Boyfriend wasn’t working or in school still, constantly “trying” though. He loved to paint pretty pictures in my head about the life we would have together once he got his shit together, and became a better person. He was over a lot. I remember the end of October was nearing and I went to go get my rent money but it was gone. I didn’t know what to think. I turned the apartment upside down. I couldn’t imagine my best friend, loyal (barf) boyfriend, or my sister stealing from me. I innocently confined in my boyfriend, and he said he felt so badly and couldn’t believe one of my roommates would do that- how awful of them! What’s worse is I believed him. I talked to my roommates and no one would own up, I was so upset, and had to work even harder to make rent on time that month. More money went missing, and I was losing my mind. Then something even more horrible happened. I let my boyfriend run to the store and buy me something with my debit card- my UNT financial aide debit card, you know that silly card that allows me to pay for my college. Let me remind you, we had been dating for four years at this point- so I should have been able to trust someone after four years. He took forever at the store. He came back and said “ hey I didn’t know your pin number, so I bought it” after he said he didn’t have any money originally. I blew it off and thanked him. The next day I got an alert that my account was low, impossible! My heart dropped as soon as I remembered the last time my debit card would have been used. I checked my statement and nearly the entirety of my account had been drained by an ATM withdrawal, the day scumbag had my debit card and “didn’t know my pin”. He still had the guts to deny that he stole from me, when I had proof! I was devastated, and beyond angry with myself for wasting so much time on such a horrible person. He stole my happiness, my personality, my time, my trust, and my money. They say hindsight is 20/20, and it’s so true. **Cliché #1** Here is some awesome advice for the girl who is settling or pretending that it’ll get better, or convinced that he will change:

Don’t fall in love with the idea of who a person could be. If they paint you a picture of who they want to be yet don’t work to be that person, they probably never will. Realize you love the thought of the person versus the actual person.
Don’t waste your time on someone who won’t invest his time in you.
Stand your ground.
You’re never too busy to make time for someone if you truly want to.
Know you're worth more than some shitty low life. If they say bull shit like " No one will ever love you like I do." Run. You don't even want that kind of love anyways.
Don’t allow someone to control your happiness- this is the biggest sign of an unhealthy relationship. Meaning: You make your own happiness. **cliché #2**
The person who you end up with should make you want to better yourself, and bring out the best in you.
Your family and friends hate someone for a good reason, you should trust them.
People rarely just make up rumors of someone cheating, especially twice.
Once you finally snap out of it your friends and family will support you, and only think to themselves “ I told you so”.
It won’t feel better right away, but it will in time. Time heals everything.**Cliché #3**
The wait will be so worth it, I promise.
You're stronger than you think.
The laughing:crying ratio should always be heavier on the laughing side.
Goals:

So now I’m single for the first time in four years and a complete and total mess. I’m new to Denton and have like two friends. Depression consumes me and I make myself feel so bad daily. Self-pity, crying- you know, post breakup ugly crying. You listen to sad songs on repeat to make yourself even more like Eeyore.

AKA: Your room.

I let myself mope around for a couple of months, and ignored texts I still got from my ex. Slowly my smile came back. I started making friends, and going out. But night would always come with its horrible memory slide show right before bed. I was so that girl who constantly finds a way to put herself down because I’m such a single loser, a soon to be cat lady. I had to poke fun at myself before some else could, right? After a friend convinced me to get on Tinder (no shame, sometimes people find love on Tinder, ok??) to get out there again, I felt better-ish? I mostly felt very unlike myself and not ready to date at all. I was like the awkward middle-schooler on her first date with braces, and stumbling over my words. I didn’t feel anything anymore, numb to everything. I coined the word robot to describe me emotionally. I just blacked it all out; you can’t hurt when you don’t feel anything right? I kissed a couple of frogs after nights of drinking- that’s what you’re supposed to do in your 20s, right?? But it didn’t feel right, that wasn’t me. Then I deleted the swiping app, and came back to the real world. Finally after months I stopped thinking about my ex, or dating at all! The day I realized I had my happy personality back was an amazing day. I was me again, after years of being a weird shell of myself. I had fun with my friends, and lived in a house with 5 animals and 5 girls, and I had the best year. This brings us to cliché #4** you have to choose to be happy and love yourself. Aint nobody going to love someone who doesn’t love themselves first.

Sing it, Hailee.

So about a year ago from today I was out with friends and I was having a good night, without a care in the world. Like they say it happens when you least expect it **cliché #5**. I made a joke that one of my good friends should date me, and hey now he is. So here’s my advice to the lonely single girl:

Be Beyoncé (before Jay-Z) and be a happy single lady.
It will happen, you cannot force it to. Don't end up settling or miserable trying to!
Go have fun with your friends, if they’re single or otherwise!
Get over yourself, you don’t need someone to justify your worth.
Get a hobby, work on things you love. For me this meant focusing on design again.
Get a dog. (cooler than another cat, in my case) This is like the worst/ best advice honestly.
Learn to be alone; I’m so thankful for that time discovering who I was on my own for the first time in a long time.
It’s always darkest before the dawn. (Florence Welch is a goddess)
I promise, the wait will be so worth it.

So now let me explain why the wait is worth it. Good people exist! So there was this really sweet, charming, cute, kinda- funny (hehe) guy I worked with, Chris. For the six months or so we worked together I got to know him and I said several times “He would be a great boyfriend”. But I never thought anything more of it, it just a little crush(it doesn’t mean that I’m serious-Jennifer Paige) . Then it just all fell into place, out of nowhere. I was beyond shocked, and terrified. I was still a robot. So we went on a couple of dates, and I was blown away by our instant connection and his genuine kindness. He makes me want to help people, and make strangers smile. He works hard for what he wants out of life and volunteers for non-profits. He broke down my jaded walls and I’m not a robot anymore. He’s the kind of boyfriend that plans surprises for you, buys you flowers for no reason, and stops by just to say hi sometimes. That person really is out there for you too. I still can’t believe I am so lucky, how did I pull this one off?? You deserve someone who smiles every time you walk in the room, and you deserve your friends telling you that they love him too. Chris is supportive of my dreams and we talk more with a thirteen-hour time change than my ex and I did with a two-hour time change. This long distance exprience is polar opposite of my first one. Sure I miss him like crazy, but it doesn't consume me and keep me from enjoying this once in a life time chance to be in Cambodia. Oh and he worked his ass off so he could fly across the world to see me!! He lands this Thursday! We all deserve to wake up convinced our lives are too good to be true. Our laugh to cry ratio is tilted far to the laugh side, always. It turned out he really is a great boyfriend. Chris makes all the bad times worth and proves one finale cliche #6 to be true, everything happens for a reason. So this ridiculously long blog post is to give you hope for starting over, or reason to wait to even get started. Like I said I didn’t have the perfect role models growing up unfortunately you can't control who your mom marries and that does shape you, but in the end it’s your life and you’re in control, so break the habits. I hope you can learn from my mistakes, if not, rest assured they will only makes you sronger- okay I promise cliche #7 is the last one! It’s an amazing feeling to have something so healthy; I hope everyone gets that one-day.

P.S. You can be this disgustingly happy too!